It's been a month

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A month of Thursday's rather than the adage "a month of Sunday's" when speaking about time passing slowly. February 23rd, was the first Thursday after Mom died; then March 2nd, the second Thursday; March 9th, the third and today, it's been a month. 

After someone dies, it feels as though the march of time shifts. Some days we walk more mindfully and other days roam about with little purpose or drive.  It's been a month of tears and reminiscing and wondering. And acceptance. And learning to live in a world that's changed yet again. 

I feel her presence in previously unexplored ways; while chopping veggies wearing her apron, when saying evening prayers, while gazing at my favorite photo of her smile glowing on a Hawaiian vacation. 

What will it feel like when I have the courage to listen to Mom's last voice mail? We'll see.

Maybe next month. 

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Understanding

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I thought I broke my foot. Thankfully, I've never broken a bone and today's episode did not change that record. Still, it hurt. A lot. After ignoring warning pains, I took a misstep that got my attention enough to make a stop at urgent care. 

In "You Can Heal Your Life," Louise Hay says feet represent "our understanding of ourselves, of life, of others." Apparently, I need some clarity on how to change with the times and feel safe about that.

Sitting here, in the easy chair, with my foot elevated and on ice, has me wondering what have I misunderstood and where I'll find the key to that door. Perhaps the foot injury is simply an opportunity to take slower steps and a reminder to put first things first. 

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Balance isn't found

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"Balance isn't found, it's created," says the Alpha Romero Super Bowl commercial. 

Since Balance, yes, with a capital B, is the word I've chosen to guide me this year, every time I hear it mentioned, I perk up. To me, this message means less seeking, more creating and action, and excludes blaming others when there is an imbalance. It reminds me I'm the one in control of my life.

When seeking balance, I find myself signing up for more webinars or online workshops or reading more self-help books. Not that any of these aren't worthwhile, however, I'm beginning to realize they are likely a distraction or procrastination from getting the real work done. When I find myself complaining about not enough hours in the week to create, an honest review of where the time went reveals pages and pages of notes taken while listening to others' ideas. 

When creating balance, my week has morning rituals, regular meals, time outdoors, scheduled blocks of creativity clearly separated from work and call my mother time. By the end of the week, I'm full of good feels. From now on, when I fail to create this balance, I'll think of the Alpha Romero commercial reminding me to keep all four wheels grounded and take those beautiful curves with grace and balance. 

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Dealing with fear

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A man who flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a shortcut to meet it. --JRR Tolkien

The boomerang effect. Deal with it now or later. If later, the fear can become unbearably magnified. The fruits of dealing with my fear have included feelings of enrichment, fulfillment, being in a more evolved state of mind where more options bloom into reality. 

So what does the mean really? 

For me, recognizing the fact that for too many years I was living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop following my daughter's death, was slowly killing me, my dreams. Yes, it has been hard and painful work facing this reality. And time-consuming. And worth every minute of effort. It serves no one and does not honor my daughter if I'm not creating a life well lived. 

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This balance thing

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I can go for days flowing along at a just right pace, feeling accomplished and thinking I've finally figured it all out. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised how often adjustments are necessary to maintain the balance. 

Blaming myself for a loss of self-care focus, for allowing an indulgence, or a temporary devil-may-care attitude that caused the imbalance is useless. Forgiveness, a return to loving kindness of self, a reckoning of my humanness and a reminder to consider how far I've come. We learn from our past to be better now; creating hope for the future.

And as the scales return to a state of equilibrium, let me enjoy these moments with simple celebration noting the ebb and flow of life. It doesn't have to "mean" something when the measures tip too far north or south. A humble recognition is sufficient. 

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Habitually

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Habitually not writing that is.  It's not that hard and yet I procrastinate. Dorothy Parker once said, "I hate writing. I love having written." I don't really hate it, but there are plenty of times when I'll think, "I should write" instead of "I could write." That's why I love her quote. 

After creating something, it always feels amazing. It is so much more rewarding than other habits, like making the bed, or taking my vitamins. 

I've even set up this blog in a different way to ease the numerous steps it previously required to publish a post. So I start again today with this reminder and tell myself if not daily, then at least every other day. 

It all boils down to choice about what's most important. 

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Textures of a Sunday morning

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Soft. The minute I stepped outside to consider a walk through town soft, is the word I felt on my skin. 

Moments after settling on a bench trailside to the Pinellas corridor, an older fella zipped by on his Segway, cheerfully playing "You are My Sunshine." On a harmonica. In an upbeat tempo to match his zippiness. 

"One tattoo is one too many," a woman lectures her walking partner on the perils of body markings. And I sit and wonder at the graciousness and acceptance some humans find difficult to grasp. 

Overhead a bird happily, and rapidly, sang through its entire repertoire of songs, signals, and clicks, even more urgently than the invocation of the First Methodist church bells encouraging all to take up their favorite pew immediately. 

Brilliant green flocks of parrots, non-native to the area, freed generations ago from the cages where we fed them bits of bologna, paying us back with their raucous, aggressive and intense screeching, refusing to be mute any longer. 

Dogs walking their people, sometimes dragging, sometimes obediently in step with their master's every move, and ever alert to opportunity. 

Young couples wander between coffee shops relieving their throbbing temples from last night's indulgences and prepping for Sunday afternoon football.

E-oo, e-oo . . . e-oo, e-oo squeak the bicycle chains straining to the rhythm of their riders communing with nature this soft Sunday morning.

The nature of living things is a power source. Here is when I find a balance between seeking and finding.

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Do it beautifully

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Beauty and fully. These type of graces are on my mind lately while thinking on how I might do anything and everything more beautifully. Whether cooking oatmeal on a chilly morning, holding a friend's hand while crossing a busy street or putting a brush to a fresh canvas, there is opportunity to do so fully and with beauty. 

If I'm listening to something, can I focus on only that? Greg McKeown, in "Essentialism," says something about focus as a action rather than labeling it as something to achieve. In other words, might I listen more beautifully when expending my thinking time rather than on how to gain more focus. 

If I'm walking down the street, might I enjoy more grace by gazing at the tree tops rather than the sidewalk cracks, which raises my head which improves my posture which helps me breathe and move with purpose. 

And when I talk, may I speak with kindness and confidence. If I know little of the topic, recognize silence is a choice. Albert Einstein said, "If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself." To me, that means more listening is in order. I'm fairly certain there is much I'm not able to explain. 

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Revealing the core

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Recently I came across a quote of John Green's that said, "Grief doesn't change you. It reveals you." Relating this to my life, I'd have to say this statement is accurate. Although I am forever changed through the loss of important family members, out of order death, and the shock of unexpected loss, ultimately, I continue to be who I am at the core. 

The initial shock of losing my daughter caused me to shut down for several years. I slept a lot to protect the hole in my chest. The grief revealed my demons, fear, disappointments and regrets hovering below the surface of my average life. 

Ultimately through my perseverance, resilience, and hard-working nature, helped me survive and create a life that is very much still worth living. Gone are the days of controlling virtually everything to the nth degree. What a waste of time. I've learned that opening myself, sharing my story, dropping the judgment of all that is wrong with myself and my life, reveals answers to the right questions. 

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Disappointment

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All day the lyrics to a song was stuck in my head. The one where they sing something about disappointment being my closest friend. Unlike in the song, I realized no one was going to come along and save me from the feeling down-hearted. I'd have to handle that myself. Its my "deal" anyway, right? No sense in expecting someone else to fix my mood. 

Speaking of expectations (which should probably be the topic of another entire post) . . . not stating my expectations clearly, only because I thought a bit of subtlety was in order, is how the trouble started in the first place.

Thankfully, the lyrics swirling in my head were finally replaced with my departed stepfather's voice saying, "I like to call a spade, a spade." Sounds, to me, like a title to a new song.

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Moderation

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There is peace in moderation.

That sounds deliberate, not very sexy, and maybe even a bit boring. Yet it manifests as balance and health. And that feels good. I'm learning about "brahmacarya" (moderation) from Rolf Gates in his book of daily reflections entitled "Meditations from the Mat."

I enjoy reading the daily entries in this book as a guide for my day even when that day doesn't include yoga or as many mindful practices as I hope.

How does moderation feel for you? May you have a peace filled day today.⠀

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Balance

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About this time every year, the internet and social media is ripe with goal setting strategies. Everything from charts and diagrams, assessing the past year, to writing a lengthy annual list are used to create a fresh path for the year to come. Unfortunately, it's been proven how often these goals fizzle within a short time. 

I absolutely subscribe to the notion of having a mission or vision for a project, a time period, or a goal to be accomplished and then limiting oneself to only participating in tasks and activities that feed that mission. What has typically tripped me up is trying to remember exactly what I'm pursuing without finding and rereading the document, perhaps making adjustments (or excuses), and then recommitting. 

Instead, and in honor of a more minimalist attitude these last couple years, selecting a single word for the year is actually working better for me than any other strategy I've tried. And I'm a person who likes LOTS of words. This simplification allows for ease in remembering what I'm striving for, flexibility interpreting its meaning on any given day, and is more sustainable. 

Last year's word was Magical. Balance is my word for 2017. 

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